See Me in Person! Monday, May 9th – 6:30pm – NYC

Circle this day in red: MONDAY, MAY 9TH 2011

If you live in the New York City area, or have the means to commute here, please put all your other plans aside and come be part of the live studio audience for my inaugural cable access broadcast about the Self-Identified Lesbian Community Center!

Join me while I roll out all the stops on the fabulous resources for lesbians, that you can’t find any place else!

Now you may be a couch potato and are saying to yourself, “Why come in person when I can see it from the comfort of my own insular and isolating home?  Besides, I’ll be having my period.”

First of all, unless you have a metal plate in your head, I doubt you’re gonna get the kind of reception you’ll need to pick up this show.  This is a cable access show, run by volunteers, and who knows who might flip some wrong switch?

Second and more important:  Isolation is the silent killer for lesbians. And really, there’s no known cure for it if you let it go on for too many decades.

Third, when aren’t you having your period? (And anyone over the age of 58 who still claims to have their period – Isolation is gonna finish you off soon.)

So whether you are pre, peri or post menopausal, please sisters, come to the Self-Identified Lesbian Community Center’s first ever cable broadcast show!

It starts at 6:30 p.m. sharp.  (It will end by 7:45 p.m.)

Location: 15 W. 28th Street on the 3rd floor in the TADA Theatre – NYC.  (The cross streets are Broadway and 5th Avenue.)

Apparently nothing in life if free, and the theatre is charging a $10 entrance fee per person in order to provide folks who will turn on the lights and try to make it homey. Unfortunately, none of the money is going to SILC so those theatre folk better keep a lock on the cash box so my sticky fingers don’t get into it!

And, I promise to personally provide refreshments.

You can get your sexy hugs in person on Monday, May 9th at 6:30 p.m.

-Doris

P.S. Please help spread the word!

Lesbian Apathy

Please see this article from our brave sisters at The Seattle Lesbian.

It Gets Better – My Ass

For who, exactly does it get better?  I don’t mean to be a Debbie Downer, but gracious sake’s alive, some people are having all the fun in Paris while the rest of us aren’t!

To put things into perspective consider this blog post: http://tiny.cc/jm69s

Tough sexy hugs,

Doris

Famous Lesbian Comedy Roadshow

My favorite things are Lesbians and I couldn’t be more thrilled to appear in the Famous Lesbian Comedy Roadshow fundraiser taking place next Saturday night May 15th!  (Needless to say, I am planning to get lucky, very lucky after the show.)  If you live in the NYC area come on by!  Tickets are priced with the .77 cents women make per male dollar in mind – and are only 5 bucks!  What a bargain!  (With savings like this, you’ll have some money to get a drink at the bar.)  Doors open at 8:30 and the show begins at 9:00 p.m.  Location is the very lesbian supportive Dixon Place at 161A Chrystie Street (between Rivington Street and Delancy Street.) For more details, click here

Sexy Hugs (which can be redeemed in person if you show up…)

-Doris

Safe Sex for Lesbians

As you know, we are in The Century for Lesbian Sex and though the odds might be against us, I am in the front lines, helping my sisters have hot, fun and wild sex.

And honestly, the single biggest challenge to having sex is finding someone to do it with, and do it with SAFELY.

And I mean safe in all ways: emotionally, physically and especially safe from folks who say it’s not all what it’s cracked up to be.

For example, how many times have you been chatting with someone and they roll their eyes, sighing with disgust over the fact that their girlfriend wants to have sex “all the time.”

Unless their girlfriend is a sex addict, she probably doesn’t want to have sex “all the time.”  Just every day.  Though not always logistically possible, could someone please tell me what on earth is wrong with having sex every day??

Then, there are those sisters who frequently brandish the statement, “I’m not in the mood.”

First of all, the word “mood” should be struck from the vocabulary of lesbians.  It is the ultimate euphemism for a deprivation attitude because the phrase “not in the” is always in front of it.

Secondly, what on earth do you mean you’re not in the mood?  Did you just fail your dissertation defense?  Did you loose your wallet a week ago and just realize it now?  Did you just see a giant Burmese Python asphyxiate a wild piglet at the zoo?

How much of a “mood” do you have to be in to make somebody you love feel good?

Frankly, I’ve had it.  I don’t ever want to hear someone say to me they aren’t in the mood again unless they’ve just come out of surgery from donating a kidney.

Another sign that someone isn’t big on sex is if they are frequently “too tired” and/or often “don’t have time.”  True they may be tired, but wouldn’t getting some bush when they are bushed be a nice pick-me-up?  And regarding the folks who “don’t have time” what they really don’t have is a fun-loving personality to embrace a quickie.

So to all of those eye-rolling, moody, tired, and time-crunched lesbians, PLEASE note, there is no need for excuses.  It is perfectly OK if you are someone who is not interested in sex for any reason or no reason.  There are plenty of lovely, brilliant and fun women who want to play Boggle, write poetry or watch TV while they are NOT having sex with you.  There’s no need to date someone or have a girlfriend who has the *hotts* for you.

Which brings me to my first of two radical, conscious-raising, safe-sex concepts: Lesbians who want to have sex need to hook up with lesbians who want to have sex.

And my second concept is: Lesbians who like to have “lots and lots” of sex need to hook up with lesbians who like to have “lots and lots” of sex. And so on.

These ideas may not necessarily be pertinent to a one-night stand, but they are definitely helpful if you are dating and most especially need to be ironed out before you exclusively date someone or commit to a monogamous relationship!!

For example, if someone says they like to have sex, and look genuinely excited about it, ask a deeper question:  How often do you like to have sex?

Make no mistake, I am not dismissing the level of quality of a sexual act, but you can’t put the cart before the horse.  You have to actually do it in order to assess the quality.  And if you pair someone who likes sex three times a week with someone who likes it once every three months, well, you’re going to have two unhappy lesbians and I can already tell you what the quality of their sex life is going to be like.

Communication is key!  I’m sure many of you are aware of the term “flagging.” This is, in my opinion, a rather misleading articulation of sexual interest – hanging a particular colored bandanna out of the right or left back pants pocket.  For example, someone might be flagging, “I’m a bottom looking for a top.”  That may be true.  But what exactly are they looking for a top for?  Believe me, it’s not always for sex.  When this happens it makes so mad I just want to yank that hankie out of the persons pocket and blow my nose on it!

Consequently, I would like to institute a new system of flagging for the lesbian community.  Those of us interested in sex should all wear, for example, tasteful pins on our lapels when socializing to communicate our frequency of desire – Bars of Service if you will.  Much like our cell phones indicate bars of service to signify the how much reception is available in a certain area from their provider.

For example, one Bar means you are generally crabby and you have to be “in just the right mood” to do it.

Two Bars mean you are sometimes irritable but, on a rare occasion, can be “put in the right mood.”

Three Bars mean you have the average lesbian sex drive, which is what exactly?  There are not many surveys out there and as for the one that are, how accurate and up to date are they?  Let’s just say for the sake of argument the “average” is being perfectly happy to have sex once a week.

Four Bars mean you are frisky!  You never whine when sex is suggested and have a “let’s DO IT!” attitude.

Five Bars mean you’re a Sex Positive Machine.  Even in the face of food poisoning, you’re willing to swill down Pepto-Bismol and give some hanky-panky a shot.  (Please note, a S.P.M. is not to be confused with someone who is a sexual predator, sex addict or stalker.  Although, I had a little stalker once and it was very flattering.)

We can also get into endless details, like the color of Bars of Service can communicate important information like, “I only like to have a lot of sex when I am as drunk as a skunk.”  Or, “I like to have sex infrequently with Stone Butches, but will consider a ‘Soft Butch.’”  Or, “I only like to have one-night-stands, and enjoy performing sex up to five times within a 90-minute time slot.”

I say it’s always good to know what you’re getting into as no one likes to be set up for disappointment.  Imagine how you would feel waiting all day to go the Country Buffet and saving room for dessert only to find out all the Cool Whip Chiffon was gone?

Lezzies, there’s nothing wrong with having a high, medium, low or no sex drive – it’s a matter of a finding a safe-sex or no-sex match.

And whatever your sex drive might be, please continuing to help spread the word about The Make-Out Date!

Sexy Hugs,

Doris

And now, for the Pet of the Week:

Mittens

Adorable as a button, quite as a mouse and extremely private about her bowl movements, this female tabby got pushed onto a family by an unethical animal rescuer who was trying to unload some cats she had rounded up in a wooded area.  Odds are, cats found in such an area are feral, but the rescuer assured the Rodriguez family that Mittens was just shell-shocked from being abandoned.  As it turns out, Mittens is as feral as it gets and is not appropriate for a family with three young daughters who want to pet her, adore her and play “dress-up kitty.”  There’s someone for everyone and Mittens is perfect for a single person entrenched in emotional animal empathy to distract themselves from dealing with their interpersonal human relationships.  Though her age is unknown, Mittens looks young and could potentially provide up to 10 years of holding her owners rapt attention while they spend countless hours on their knees coaxing her to come out from under the couch to eat or inching their way close enough to get their hand sniffed.  If Mittens were a lesbian, she would never want to have sex.  Interested parties may contact me at Self.Identified.lcc@gmail.com.

Casual Sex* for Lesbians

If you’re reading this, you survived the nastiest day of February: Valentine’s Day.  Just pick yourself up and dust yourself off because you have The Century for Lesbian Sex to look forward to for the rest of your life.

Ladies, I don’t know about you, but I am green with envy of gay men, who seem to arrange a rousing session of casual sex in less than twenty minutes via their AOL account.  Getting an anonymous lewdly impassioned male homosexual ringing the buzzer is quicker than getting a pizza delivery.

But if you’re the average single lesbian, how often does a casual sexual encounter happen to you, whether in the comfort of your own home or elsewhere?

Probably not often, if at all.

Why?  Fear.  The fear of rejection, rejection and rejection.

(Although fear is not such a bad thing.  If you experience fear, you probably have a good survival instinct.  Who wants to be like Julie Harris in The Haunting?  That woman’s instinct for survival was at about 5% in that film.)

But why should gay men have all the fun?  If you are a single lesbian who does not want to be celibate, I’m going to give you the hottest tip you’ll ever get, which will help you engage in casual sex:  The Make-Out Date.

How many times, as hard as it may be, have you asked a gal back to your apartment and she thought it was for a game of Boggle?  Honestly, it is just too awkward to seduce a woman while shaking a dice tray.  Or have you ever had the guts, at least once in your life, to pre-arrange sex only to have one party get cold feet because they are afraid of the ultimate below-the-waist action with someone they don’t know all that well?

So The Make-Out Date is exactly just that – making out!  Somehow having a little smooch with a stranger or someone you barely know isn’t extremely scary.  The beauty of The Make-Out Date is the only thing the two parties have committed to do is make-out.  And, if someone is on the fence about you, they are more likely to try making-out, rather than fleeing from a flat out request for sex.

And the BONUS beauty of The Make-Out Date is if both parties are so hot they can’t stop, they can finish the whole thing off with full-blown sex!**  And it gets better, the safety-net beauty is if it doesn’t go beyond making-out, no one has to have hurt feelings because all you agreed to do was make-out.  (Too bad Julie Harris didn’t have access to The Make-Out Date concept.  Who didn’t want to see her get it on with Claire Bloom rather than trying to fling herself off balconies all movie long?)

It is critical to our sexual life that The Make-Out Date infiltrates into the conscious of the lesbian community. Everyone needs to know what The Make-Out Date is, just like everyone knows what the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival is.  Only The Make-Out Date doesn’t have a segregated Camp Trans element.  The Make-Out Date is all-inclusive and is exceptionally practical for those who are striving to be sexually active and find doing so to be allusive.

Blog about it, call your friends, or start a support group about it at your local LGBTQIA Center – whatever it takes to spread the word.  The Make-Out Date should be the talk of the town!  The more women who hear about it, the more likely you’ll have one scheduled on your calendar soon.

We can’t stop until we rectify the frustration Julie and Claire left us with all these years.

Be sure to have your mouthwash handy.

Sexy Hugs,

Doris

* This is of course if you want to have sex.  I am respectful of gals who aren’t interested and am a non-stop advocate for the ones who are!

** No one likes an unflattering STD.  (We often think about STDs as a below the waist ailment – but don’t forget about oral herpes!)   If you are engaging in any risky behavior, please sisters, please, use protection.  If you are not sure what risky behavior is, check out these websites for educational information:

http://lesbianlife.about.com/cs/sex/a/safersex.htm

http://www.avert.org/lesbians-safe-sex.htm

And now,  for the pet of the week:

Dweezil

This gorgeous creature is a fine specimen of feline function.  Dweezil is a mouser machine and will clean up a rodent problem faster than you can say, “Is that smell coming from the litter box?”  In excellent health, this 5-year-old male neutered cat will make you feel like royalty.  In medieval times, if you were Queen,* you could command, “bring me their head!”  Today, you are the Queen* of your apartment, so why not be treated as such with a slaughtered mammal offering left in the middle of your bed?  Dweezil’s previous owners were a male couple who also had a blue and yellow Macaw.  They say parrots will outlive their owners, but not if Dweezil can help it!  These gentlemen are happy to send Dweezil off with all his supplies and a 20lb bag of Science Diet.  Having a full veterinary check-up and shots in less than three months, Dweezil is good-to-go and ready to protect someone’s home from tiny four-legged intruders and things that fly.  Please reach out and help Dweezil help you have a safe home.  Interested parties should contact me at:  Self.Identified.lcc@gmail.com.

*Dweezil is comfortable with all genders, sexual identities and orientations.

Prepare Yourself

Depression.

Depression is anger turned inward.  And goodness, you have a lot to be angry about!

If you are an average lesbian, you’re probably gearing up for a deep depression come Valentine’s Day this Sunday.  You’re probably going feel bad because you are single on Valentines Day, or, because you’re in an unsatisfactory relationship.  Really, you just can’t win.

But let’s set our relationship status or lack thereof aside for a moment and talk about what a wagon-full of donkey doo-doo Valentine’s Day is.  Single or not, the pressure is so extreme to participate in this capitalistic holiday that you might experience increased feelings of self-loathing, or worse yet, try to buy some woman (who won’t give you the time of day) an assorted box of nuts & chews with the last of your food stamps.

Nothing says “I Love You” like a box of candy with aloof, slobbery nibbles on each and every piece.

And I don’t know about you, but something like that makes me pretty angry!  So angry it’s hard to get out my pajamas and face the day!

Consequently, this is a call-to-action to my lesbian sisters, single, coupled, or swinging singles and couples: I want you to turn your depression inside out and GIRLCOTT VALENTINE’S DAY.  There are countless ways to do that, and if you are mentally numb from a lifetime of sexual discrimination, I can suggest several things:

1.  If you are half-way responsible and at least been able to get a part-time job, go to your local pet shelter and adopt a live animal, rather than buying a Plush Teddy Bear with a big red heart on it’s chest that was assembled by oppressed women and children over-seas.

2.  If you are lucky enough to have access to a sexual partner, cut to the chase and bang the living daylights out of each other rather than spending an excess of money and feeding corporate greed with a ceremonial romantic dinner at the Outback Steakhouse.  (Although the Awesome Blossom is an excellent fried-food choice for emotional eating!)

3.  Rather than spend money giving yourself flowers, spend the day in rigorous self-examination: Why are you only attracted to unavailable women?  Why do you fall in love with every straight female roommate you have?   Why do you care so much about marriage equality when you can’t even get a date?

Personally, I’ve been saving my money to take the red-eye to Irvine California this weekend where I will wait by the stage door at the Bren Events Center.  Eve Ensler will be performing there in The Vagina Monologues and I’m determined, once and for all, to pin her down and find out why she won’t interview me about my vagina.  And if I find out it’s because of those stalker allegations, I’m going to have a fit – they just aren’t true!

Sisters, I ask you, if that’s not the spunkiest way to turn depression around, what is?!

Sexy Hugs,

Doris

P.S. Might I note, the very first person to put my blog on their blogroll, was a gay man.  (Bless your heart D Gregory Smith.)  Sometimes I have to wonder, if gay men don’t do it, who will?

P.P.S. Jasper, our Pet of the Week, is still looking for a home.

P.P.P.S.  Check back on Monday for a brand new post where I will unveil a soon-to-be phenomenon that will take the lesbian community by storm:  The Make Out Date.

Sisters, I’m all about looking forward instead of backward during The Century for Lesbian Sex.